Blog day 15 – abandoning the male overactive imagination and back to reasoned accuracy
Dear fellow bunnies,
I have abandoned the folly of handing over the blog to said husband for a day. While he reveled in the task and permitted his overactive imagination to take hold, we only need to give the men token airtime to mansplain while we pretend to listen. Importantly though, now you know exactly what I am captive with and I can feel your sense of overwhelming admiration and concern that I have managed to stick it out with said husband and teenagers.
Teenager number 2 just told me that tomorrow will be a nightmare for me. They have run out of things to do and that means even he has recognised in advance that the only option is to fight with teenager number 1, annoy parents and be thoroughly disruptive. So comforting.
And when he says nightmare he does not oversell what is forewarned. You see my children are and were feral and could humiliate me more than any acerbic comment from a Judge directed at my then current inadequacies on display. In order to make yourselves feel good about your lives and parenting, let me tell you a story I wish was simply a fable. Telling this story carries a risk of being outed by those I have previously told this story too. In any event, here goes…
The takedown – my utter despair that made trial work seem easy
Kiddies were about 2 and 4. I was working part-time but I was in the middle of a trial so working full-time that week or for a number of weeks. Said husband was on duty with kids at home to get them through dinner and ready for bed and I got home late from a tough day in Court needing to do lots of prep for the next day. Think tired, frazzled, thoroughly exhausted and needing husband to have kids sorted so I could cuddle and put to bed and get back to work with any remaining energy I could muster. Hmmmm. Not what I came home to.
It was early winter. I came home in the dark. Walking in the door I sensed the house was quiet and was quickly on guard (never good when my kids are quiet – means they are doing something bad, quite bad). Husband was on the couch, alone, drinking a beer and looking like thunder. Seething thunder. Kids nowhere to be seen or heard. I asked said husband calmly but with concern mounting, “where are the kids?”. He said, “outside on the trampoline, naked”. It was dark and cold (not so cold to be dangerous to their health but not good that they were outside naked and it was chilly). With alarm and surprise I asked him “why? it’s cold and dark”. In words I will never forget delivered with deep-seated disgust he hissed “they painted the couch, they painted themselves, they painted the dog so I put them outside on the trampoline and they peed on the dog through the trampoline.”
Now startled and trying to take it in, I looked at the couch he was sitting on to see blue paint. I look at the dog at my feet to see blue paint and sense a rather sour smell. With trepidation, I went to the back door and out to the trampoline to see the kids, indeed naked and covered in the same blue paint rejoicing as they bounced on the trampoline, delighted in what they had managed to achieve.
Cleary the husband was in no state to address the resulting mess. His seething was not dissipating. I had to grab kids, put them in the shower while they were still proud and gleeful, clean off paint, wash dog, wash couch, bring husband more beer, get kids to bed and then, appalled, humiliated and speechless, prepare for trial the next day and try and get some sleep.
Why, you say why, would I ever tell that story in public of my humiliation at the hands of the kids and their feral nature. Wouldn’t you just take that one to the grave?
Well, my fellow captives, it taught me one very valuable thing. As I rose the next morning still feeling humiliated and rather destroyed by the whole affair, less prepared than I would want to be for the next day in Court and appearing before a judge who was not known to be tolerant, I felt my inner tiger rise up and tell me that no one had ever humiliated me more than my children and I could and would deal with anything thrown at me with a spine of steel. Bring it on, I dare you! I have never felt more fierce. Now of course I would not display my ferociousness without cause. But luckily for everyone it was remarkably a smooth day in Court and my inner tiger stayed inner. They unknowingly all dodged a bullet.
But I did reflect after my day in Court and since then, that our outside lives don’t conveniently stop while we advise clients, attend Board meetings, prepare submissions and appear in trials. We are gamely attempted to deal with everything as best we can. And that is how we are now too.
Well we have now all been assigned as essential workers at least for the task of delivering sugary treats (yes even to ourselves). Nwummy, nwyummy. Get to it and deliver away so we can have delicious treats!
Kia kaha, my lovelies, and adieu. Stay safe and remember not to leave out any blue paint!